Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Suka ke, tak suka ke, tahun depan tahun SPM. Aku tak nak tergagap-gagap nak jawab bila mak bapak/cikgu/kaunselor/makcik-makcik/pakcik-pakcik/orang kat education fair/kengkawan/senior/junior/pakwe (yang last tu hanya sekadar bahan jenaka) tanya nanti nak ambik bidang apa.


Not that I’ve been mulling over it since forever or something. My first ambition, before I started primary school, was to become an astronaut. At that time, I thought it was as simple as hopping on a fancy-schmancy rocket and blasting into space to give my regards to extraterrestrial life. I didn’t know that astronauts were an uncommon profession, let alone that Malaysia had none so far. But yeah, Dr. Sheikh Muszaphar beat me to it.

I thought about becoming an artist, but at the time I thought art was limited to painting and I wasn’t very skilled at that. I also wanted to become an interior designer like Eric Leong but somehow I forgot about that dream.

In one of my profile books for SKS, my top three ambitions were, 1) pelukis, 2) penulis, 3) guru. My Mum told me that I was the one who told her to write those down, which obviously I do not remember. But I seriously doubt I wanted to be a teacher at the age of seven. At that time, I’m pretty sure I thought teaching was boring as crap.

I had tons of ambitions throughout Year One to Form Three… including pilot, actress, journalist, humanitarian, novelist, graphic designer, architect, comic book artist, et cetera.

Nope, I’m just not interested in the science industry. Well, maybe slightly for a few fields like genetics or psychology but I mostly like learning about science and feeling amazed at the wonders of the world, not… sitting in a lab, conducting experiments, handling microscopes and stethoscopes. And then there’s mathematics. “There’s no such thing as a weak student of Maths”, Mr. Prasana said in tuition last week. I love learning with him – it makes you feel like there’s so much more to maths than just numbers. I’m not weak, I’m just… really lazy to do exercises. When I do master a topic, though, I feel intelligent! But I don’t feel knowledgeable. I feel like… I don’t gain anything. It’s too black and white. I’d much rather learn about complicated compositions of a cell or the civilisation of Ancient Rome. Not denying that maths is very, very important, though – it’s just not for me. Plus, it teaches you not to give up because you know there is a solution to your problem.

And then there’s accounting. Accounting deserves a frickin’ special paragraph. Because Mum, Dad, Auntie, Uncle Nan all majored in accounting. My mother is a lecturer of accounting. And then there’s me who got a B for KH (elective: perdagangan dan keusahawanan) in my PMR. Ha ha. MRSM AG forces you to learn accounts for the first semester and I had no frickin’ idea what was going on half the time. I swore to God I wouldn’t take Accounts next semester. Unfortunately, like half the staff knows my Mum. Even on my last day this year, the warden who checked my room (that time only Bio-sahaja students were allowed to pack because Accounts kids still had Paper 2 to go) was like, “Eh, awak tak ambik Akaun ke? Bukan mak awak terer Akaun ke?”. …Please lah. ‘Bapak borek anak rintik’ doesn’t apply for everything.

I’ve considered lots of things, really. TESL? Oh my god, I can’t teach kids, I can barely handle my own adiks. Architecture? Blueprints look boring and tiresome and taihen. Philosophy? Cam lawak je. Industrial art? Interior designer? Errrrr… doesn’t seem very fulfilling. Fine Arts? Creative Writing? Graphic Design? I think it’s more worth it if I just went to a few seminars or follow tutorials online, to be honest.

So, right now I’m inclining towards media/communication studies and international relations. Yes, I tend to be reserved and quiet but I am trying to work on that. Because I actually like sharing my opinions and gathering new experiences. I want to speak to the world, and make sure they listen to what I have to say. And I would like to influence what is broadcast to the world. TV, radio, newspapers, magazines, internet. I also greatly aspire to improve the fiction industry in this country, be it through film or television or books – especially after reading this. Help the industry grow more by adding more intellectual and unique elements. Help people out of the tiny, cramped box they live in with their playboy suamis. Also, through international relations, hopefully I’ll get to travel! My preferences aren’t limited to London and Paris and Rome, okay. I would like to see the state of developing countries as well. Biar insaf sikit. I’ll broaden my experiences and think about how to make the most out of situations. Plus, I feel pretty helpless as an unemployed sixteen-year-old hearing about the attacks on countries like Syria, Egypt, Palestine, Rohingya. When I grow up I do not wish to stand idly, I want to be the difference.

But you know what I really, really wanna be? Above everything else? A creative genius. Of course, there’s Da Vinci and Picasso, and from Malaysia, there’s P. Ramlee, Sudirman, Yasmin Ahmad. but the best modern example I can give you is Tim Burton. A film director, film producer, writer, poet, stop motion artist, illustrator. That’s my dream in bright lights – inspiring and giving hope to people all over the world through art. To direct like Steven Spielberg. To write like J.K. Rowling. To draw like Dato’ Lat. To imagine like Hayao Miyazaki. To vision like Walt Disney. That would be nice. Really nice.

There is more to see than can ever be seen. More to do than can ever be done.

#nowplaying Circle of Life – The Lion King

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Creating contentment.

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