I’m Not Moving

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Sorry for the lack of updates. I hardly have time or semangat to blog nowadays. Plus, I prefer blogging from an actual laptop, not my phone. But I don’t open my laptop as much in university as much as I do at home.

Ramadhan has come and passed, and so has Raya. All of my family, except me, moved to Tokyo on the 25th of July because Dad got a job there. We’ve known about The Japan Thing for like, a year now. I decided to stay in Malaysia a long time ago, but I was actually (sadly) optimistic enough to expect to move there in January or February this year so that I could enjoy myself for a few months with sakura petals blowing in the wind and taking pictures with Mickey Mouse. But Allah did not will it. Oh well, oh well.

Around a month before their flight, I almost did change my mind about staying. I could’ve packed all my things and left UiTM quietly without a single trace of my existence. But I decided against it, because:

  • I would be venturing on a whole new pathway in academics if I went to Japan, and probably a less clear one. Should I take A-levels in an international school? Do I seriously want to go back to school? With sixteen-year-olds? Should I take a Japanese language course before going to university there? But what if my family goes back to Malaysia while I’m still studying? I don’t actually want to study in a country that doesn’t speak English? Right now, I have a secure place in UiTM and I am pursing a diploma in Mass Comm, which will InsyaAllah lead to a degree, and then Wallahualam.
  • Mass Comm memang sesuai dengan jiwa I uols. Like, really. Maybe I didn’t feel it the first few weeks because my COM167 (Introduction to Media and Communication) lecturer did not come in at all. But after my first lesson ever on a Friday (which everyone else was bored to death by, by the way) I immediately WhatsApped my parents that I would stay in Malaysia.
  • I’ve been waiting practically my whole life to go to university. My whole life. To be free of restrictions, of the chains and shackles of being a schoolkid with parental supervision. And I’m considering giving it all up just like that…?

And most importantly…

  • I came to the realization that I don’t really want to live in Japan, I just want a short getaway or something to forget and ignore the miserable and suck-ish parts of my life. But challenges are everywhere. Kat syurga je takde kesusahan dan cabaran.

It’s been two weeks since they left. Since then, I took my first exams ever after SPM, walked around the library and Tasik Tun Fatimah for the first time, went to AEON and watched Ant-Man, realized how restricted I actually am since I am not yet eighteen (tried to buy a PortaWifi and failed), kawad went a lot better than expected, went to two usrahs and one kursus kepimpinan, bought myself a Fixi Novo, and ate at Pizza Hut with my housemates.

I became a pembonceng motosikal for the first time last Sunday. I’ve never ridden on a motorcycle before. Sad, right? None of my close family members even own a motorcycle. In fact, when I was a child, I believed all motorcyclists were evil. After the kursus kepimpinan. Kak H was nice enough to give me a ride back to Kolej Tun Sabariah. The thrill of whizzing up the hill, breathing in the evening wind and the glorious sunset, holding on and giving my complete trust to her… this is exactly the reason why I chose to stay.

Sometimes being free means choosing not to go, but to stay.” – Barbie as the Princess and the Pauper

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Creating contentment.

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